Missing

[SimikPK]

Hi, please do post at least 5 valid feedbacks in the poetry worshop forums.

Last night I fell asleep Making the night the "last night" is good - it is more specific and in the context of the poem gives the sense of immediacy. However, I can hardly imagine someone suffocating asleep. If it was just o dream or something like that, try to convey it in a better, more imaginaive way than just "it was almost as if"...
trying to breathe you in but Words like "but, if, as, almost..." mean very little and usually can be done away with. Also, the line breaks, the so called "power placement places" are places where you put a word or a phrase that you want to highlight. Words with little or no meaning, or synsemantic words - words that gain meaning only in combination with other words, do not work well here. 
it was almost as if I were The same can be conveyed without the first three words.
suffocating because I couldn't
get enough of your scent into my lungs, Concerning the aforementioned power placement, consider: as if I were suffocating/because I couldnt get enough of your scent/into my aching lungs. 
my lungs they ache as I - Redundant line, its only message is that the lugns ache. That can be put into the line above, as I wrote. The good point here is that you describe a scent of the missed person that someone lives on - that you mention its need in the lungs, not just in the air or sensoric centres in brain or whatever. That is, to me, the strongest idea and the central image of the poem. 
try to take deep
breaths so I don't die of missing you,
missing,
missing air, missing, dying of missing is cliché. The missing can be worked out from the mention of the suffocating - lack of...
missing oxygen to breathe you in. Why downgrade nice image of scent of a loved/missed person into mere air or oxygen? The scent itself carries that part of meaning - that it is in the air. Breathe you in is also good image, and would be a good shift from "your scent" into "you" - the whole being. The problem is that you mention "breathing you in" at the begining of the poem, so it lacks the power.

The good point of the poem is the central image - the need of breathing another person/scent in. In case you want to make the poem longer, you can develop on that. Otherwise, what you say can be said in much fewer words - removing the redundant words and putting the important ones at the line breaks would do the poem much good. Consider:

Last night I almost suffocated,
trying to breathe into my aching lungs
that of which I didnt have enough:
Your scent.

Using too many words is the problem many of us novice poets face, so no worries.