Missing

[RSaba]

Hello, and welcome!


I like short poems that convey a strong feeling, and I think this has the potential to be one. However, though the feelings are there, they feel black and white. What I mean is, there are no images here, only words - no metaphors, similes, etc. While of course you can't just go sticking literary devices into poetry randomly, they will go miles when done properly. When you read this poem, what images appear in your mind? Show them to the reader so that they can really feel what you're feeling, with more than just one sense. We have five senses - put them to good use!


That being said, I do like the style you write. I'm going to leave a few notes here to help with the flow of the poem. But please think about what I said, and see if you can expand this piece into something stronger.

Last night I fell asleep
trying to breathe you in but
it was almost as if I were was
suffocating because I couldn't
get enough of your scent into my lungs, I would end the sentence here and start fresh on the next line. Also, having the word "lungs" twice so close together isn't ideal, but that's up to you. Personally, I would begin the next line simply with "They ache."
my lungs they ache as I "my lungs they ache" is stylized, feels like lyrics, feels forced. "my lungs ache" will do just fine.
try to take deep
breaths so I don't die of missing you,
missing,
missing air,
missing oxygen to breathe you in.

Breathing, air, oxygen... here images begin to form in my head but dissipate as soon as the poem ends. You can do something powerful with them, I am sure of it.

I hope this helps!