11-03-2014, 04:18 AM
Hi, lana, welcome. Just five thoughtful critiques in the workshops to become a full member.
I'm having a hard time commenting on this because although you effectively get your emotion across I can't really find any interesting language or metaphor that grabs me. You might start with considering your breaks. For example "my lungs they ache as I" might be more effective with the break on "ache".
Good luck with it, hope you enjoy the site.
I'm having a hard time commenting on this because although you effectively get your emotion across I can't really find any interesting language or metaphor that grabs me. You might start with considering your breaks. For example "my lungs they ache as I" might be more effective with the break on "ache".
Good luck with it, hope you enjoy the site.
(10-29-2014, 01:02 PM)lanallama Wrote: Last night I fell asleep
trying to breathe you in but
it was almost as if I were
suffocating because I couldn't
get enough of your scent into my lungs,
my lungs they ache as I
try to take deep
breaths so I don't die of missing you,
missing,
missing air,
missing oxygen to breathe you in.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips