11-02-2014, 04:27 AM
[quote='Owl' pid='176918' dateline='1413787384']
Overall, I thought this was pretty cool. Though it lacks any clear tactile sensation. Thematically this poem could be good, dealing with the state of the spectral in art and philosophy and so forth, or maybe something else I wasn't sure what it was about. If it was just trying to be spooky with a lot of morbid imagery that may hinder the poem.
Edit #1
Mind
The cerebral atrophy, it inhibits me, -- While I do like a good parenthetical comma because it adds a certain type of sound, I think cerberal atrophy evokes inhibition in itself.
though my liquid spirit isn't bothered.
I need to take a puff from your pipe,
because this clean air chokes of what
I lack . . . my body alone is not enough.
All I'm left with is those unblinking eyes,
glaring, staining my flesh with its mark.
The elders drew symbols over that impression, -- Maybe something to do with the oracles of Delphi?
commanding its defection. --- This line seems a little out of place with the rhyme which marks defection (I think impression is strong but I don't know about defection)
Briefly, the entity no longer looked my way,
for the rain had mercy on my being
and showered its twin black pearls with a divine blight. -- I like twin black pearls and even the word divine, but i think the word "blight" is really hurting this line.
Immediate cataracts, then a buried fiend,
it was sent back to the pit.
Now I'm eating up knowledge alone, -- I like the idea of eating.
making myself full of what I once knew.
A mistake waiting . . . waiting to happen.
Inadvertently causing my own pulse to,
fump, fump . . . fump . . . fump.
Again, the damned crawls back to me,
tracing along my body's purple vines,
slowly forming a familiar mark.
The art piece betrays; it becomes hollow,
now replaying its seemingly perpetual course. - You may be able to use the word "corpse" here or even corpus if that doesn't impede your meter or message too much. A rigid body may give the poem an opposition to the liquid spirit or a Telos for a congealing apparition.
I was made for this mistake. -- This sounds sort of like a Frankenstein thing, but it is rather explicit and possibly to general. So, I'm not sure about this last line. Though, it may be good to have a line like this to wrap things up in a structural manner.
Overall, I liked the poem. So I made some haphazard comments, and I may have missed your point here.
Overall, I thought this was pretty cool. Though it lacks any clear tactile sensation. Thematically this poem could be good, dealing with the state of the spectral in art and philosophy and so forth, or maybe something else I wasn't sure what it was about. If it was just trying to be spooky with a lot of morbid imagery that may hinder the poem.
Edit #1
Mind
The cerebral atrophy, it inhibits me, -- While I do like a good parenthetical comma because it adds a certain type of sound, I think cerberal atrophy evokes inhibition in itself.
though my liquid spirit isn't bothered.
I need to take a puff from your pipe,
because this clean air chokes of what
I lack . . . my body alone is not enough.
All I'm left with is those unblinking eyes,
glaring, staining my flesh with its mark.
The elders drew symbols over that impression, -- Maybe something to do with the oracles of Delphi?
commanding its defection. --- This line seems a little out of place with the rhyme which marks defection (I think impression is strong but I don't know about defection)
Briefly, the entity no longer looked my way,
for the rain had mercy on my being
and showered its twin black pearls with a divine blight. -- I like twin black pearls and even the word divine, but i think the word "blight" is really hurting this line.
Immediate cataracts, then a buried fiend,
it was sent back to the pit.
Now I'm eating up knowledge alone, -- I like the idea of eating.
making myself full of what I once knew.
A mistake waiting . . . waiting to happen.
Inadvertently causing my own pulse to,
fump, fump . . . fump . . . fump.
Again, the damned crawls back to me,
tracing along my body's purple vines,
slowly forming a familiar mark.
The art piece betrays; it becomes hollow,
now replaying its seemingly perpetual course. - You may be able to use the word "corpse" here or even corpus if that doesn't impede your meter or message too much. A rigid body may give the poem an opposition to the liquid spirit or a Telos for a congealing apparition.
I was made for this mistake. -- This sounds sort of like a Frankenstein thing, but it is rather explicit and possibly to general. So, I'm not sure about this last line. Though, it may be good to have a line like this to wrap things up in a structural manner.
Overall, I liked the poem. So I made some haphazard comments, and I may have missed your point here.