10-28-2014, 03:18 PM
In The Japanese Garden
A brief few crits:
Bow-shaped bridge
Red pebble path
Water reflects
Ripples dance <- excess, no need to add to the line above
Enchanting sight <-it's up to the reader, not writer, to decide if it's enchanting
As water flows
Couples unite <- reader is being told couples are uniting as if it's an act of god (or writer)
Aubergine and lime <- beautiful
Moss, bamboo and fern
Maples delicate
Branches thick
Lilies strong as rocks surround
In the Japanese garden we are found <- the effect of 'surround' above, and this line are not
only unnecessary, they damage the simple beauty of this poem.
You're telling the reader what she/he should feel/think about the poem.
It's your job to accomplish that from within the poem, not through instructions to the
reader. (And the rhyming couplet is jarring and out of place.)
"Lilies strong as rocks" is wonderful and should be the ending. imho.
A brief few crits:
Bow-shaped bridge
Red pebble path
Water reflects
Ripples dance <- excess, no need to add to the line above
Enchanting sight <-it's up to the reader, not writer, to decide if it's enchanting
As water flows
Couples unite <- reader is being told couples are uniting as if it's an act of god (or writer)
Aubergine and lime <- beautiful
Moss, bamboo and fern
Maples delicate
Branches thick
Lilies strong as rocks surround
In the Japanese garden we are found <- the effect of 'surround' above, and this line are not
only unnecessary, they damage the simple beauty of this poem.
You're telling the reader what she/he should feel/think about the poem.
It's your job to accomplish that from within the poem, not through instructions to the
reader. (And the rhyming couplet is jarring and out of place.)
"Lilies strong as rocks" is wonderful and should be the ending. imho.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions