In The Japanese Garden

[SimikPK]

In The Japanese Garden

Bow-shaped bridge
Red pebble path
Water reflects
Ripples dance
Enchanting sight
As water flows
Couples unite
Aubergine and lime
Moss, bamboo and fern
Maples delicate
Branches thick
Lilies strong as rocks surround
In the Japanese garden we are found

Hi. One of the qualities of the poem is that the thoughts included in lines continuously flow out of the previous ones - path out of bridge, water out of bridge, ripples out of water... the mention of Enchantig sight, however, somehow summarizes, encompasses it all and says nothing basically, for when the reader imagines what the poem describes, sure they (or some of them at least) will perceive it as enchantig. Also, why mention water three times, adding but little new? Watter reflects, ripples dance, water flows. The poem seems to dedicate one line to a new thought/concept, but with the water it somehow makes it too long. Saying "ripples dance" would say everything in two words - ripples suggest movement, no need to say that water flows. If I am not mistaken, dancing ripples would evoke the reflection of the sun authomatically. The poem appeals to various senses - first two lines to touch, than mostly to sight, and with mentioning the lime and auberigne also to smell, why not make the sun also appeal to some sense in a way that would enrich the complex image of the garden? Something like sun warms (poor suggestion, I know, just to illustrate). Also, I am not sure if the poem wants to show static or dynamic image, or both, because it kind of jumps: birdge and path are static, the water and ripples dynamic, the uniting couples dynamic, the plants static. Also, is the unition of couples somehow central to the poem? It is approximately in the middle, but exluding the last line, it is the only reference to human factor, which might seem disturbing among the imagery of the non-human parts of nature. As to the list line, I would omit completely, since it sounds cliché to me, and the line above - the strong lilies - is a strong point that renders the last line weak. Not sure what you want to say - describe the garden: for that you do not need to say that you are found there, to me, the meniton of the uniting couples is enough.