10-25-2014, 07:05 PM
hi mwaba. in general it feels like the writer is trying to hard to create the poem. make it more natural, use some poetic devices. instead of tryig to show us the nat or the colony, be in there amongst them. make it a happening thing. use some strong images instead of generic ideas.
(10-25-2014, 05:14 PM)Mwaba don Wrote: Ants, architects of complex colonies,
their size tizzing to a man’s ego what is tizzing?
for one to stop for a moment in wonder
to learn from their ways of work.
On sight for the whole period of watch,
move continuously through the colony
like blood passing through the heart with this is a simile, the poem needs more of them
their gatherings raised above their heads.
Endowed with some sort free spirit
they tear up leaves,climb walls
toil on and underground, hastily
feast on hovering birds and fowls that die. dead birds don't hover, they're dead
Dazzling to see them move in line as thou
programmed with robotic instruction
yet they have not the glorious presence of
a flag carrier like that of a military parade.