Cycle of flesh

[rayheinrich]

Well... you asked:
Lots of crits, but for a first poem this is quite good. (My first poem, btw, was more than 100 times worse.)

lips grow hard and dry
    do lips grow hard? cracked and dry maybe /but then it's cliché
maybe find some other way to describe or leave out this line

tongue lay still with stiffness in mouth        awkward

toes turned in permanence and fingers tangled
     'toes turned in' or  'toes turned in in permanence' ? confusing as don't
know what 'in' goes with / toes curled? bent?

hair brittle and without shine       pare down
warmth departs and feeling with it
skin flakes away like cigarette-stained wall paper       good image though
logically cigarette stains don't make wallpaper flake

in photographs of me I cannot breathe       use comma after 'me' or make two lines
in photographs I cannot speak       maybe same as above, though it does work
whiteness of teeth from years and use darkened       awkward, do you mean that
white teeth have been darkened from years 'of' use or years 'and' use? /
either way it's cliché  so figure out some other 'teeth' image

like missing bricks and falling bridges       good idea but mouths sometimes
have dental bridges so it reads like a pun and that's not in keeping with
the attitude of the poem

distant memory of mothers joy       should be "mother's" / "mother's joy" is trite
of white skin and dewy eyes       dewy eyes cliché
tiny hands and yellow curls       use synonym of 'tiny'
lungs shining like pink birthday balloons        is 'birthday' necessary?
heart tapping like rain on aluminum        do hearts tap?

but puckered creases of time cross the face        do creases pucker? /
having 'time' directly proceed 'cross' makes it sound like the creases are moving as we are reading it

and spots of life lay on hands and arms        i know what 'spots of life' are (have some myself) but it sounds more awkward than poetic
sunken eyes sit by hanging skin       'sunken eyes' is cliché  but not that bad / but eyes sitting 'by' skin is a bit cartoonish
like tire grooves worn into over-driven roads      maybe something other than 'over-driven'

    this last stanza is corny, preachy, needs rewrite or elimination
but I did like the images in certain lines / if you rewrite use these /

just describe the images, don't give instructions, make decrees

let us begin again        cliché
may sweat and spit join rain in clouds       awkward but love connecting sweat, spit, and rain
buried body unite with mud        cliché  do like 'body' connected to 'mud' work with that
so make it true       cliché
the endlessness       cliché
hope of renewal       cliché
cycle of flesh       cliché