10-23-2014, 05:11 AM
Please don't revise too fast and too much it's really very wonderful as it is. I would only list a few nits and they are all punctuation issues like
cigarette-stained wallpaper (add hyphen, and one word on wallpaper)
and mother's joy.
You can get away with using very little punctuation like you have in this poem, but try not to confuse your readers even for a second, and things like mothers seems plural then reader thinks, oh wait its possessive ----in that split moment it takes for their brain to connect the dots, you've pulled them out of your wonderful setting.
I would also drop the second "In photographs" so that it reads:
in photographs of me I cannot breathe
I cannot speak
Other than that this is so damned good I wouldn't want anything about it changed, and it's really really nice to see young new talent. Juicy little morsels! I'll have some more!
PS..you don't know me, but I don't 'gush' about a poem often. I think I just did. Be very proud.
mel/bena
cigarette-stained wallpaper (add hyphen, and one word on wallpaper)
and mother's joy.
You can get away with using very little punctuation like you have in this poem, but try not to confuse your readers even for a second, and things like mothers seems plural then reader thinks, oh wait its possessive ----in that split moment it takes for their brain to connect the dots, you've pulled them out of your wonderful setting.
I would also drop the second "In photographs" so that it reads:
in photographs of me I cannot breathe
I cannot speak
Other than that this is so damned good I wouldn't want anything about it changed, and it's really really nice to see young new talent. Juicy little morsels! I'll have some more!
PS..you don't know me, but I don't 'gush' about a poem often. I think I just did. Be very proud.
mel/bena