Cycle of flesh

[billy]

sorry if i went a little overboard. i think you deserve a bit of time on the edit.
watch out for excess word use. not sure the last stanza does you or the poem much good, it feels tacked on in order to finish the poem. a suggestion would be to finish with a single line under the penultimate stanza.
good edit.

REVISED

lips grow hard and dry while i preferred the other first line with a slighter adjustment, 
tongue lay still with stiffness in mouth again i preferred the original simply because it was easier to read.
toes turned in permanence and fingers tangled
hair brittle and without shine i preferred the line break in the original because it gave the reader a pause.  lets not forget the lack of punctuation.
warmth departs and feeling with it departs works much better than leaves, it has more finality
skin flakes away like cigarette stained wall paper i do like this line but the two clauses still needs to be more connected, a suggestion would be [skin falls away....]
in photographs of me I cannot breathe no need of [of me] the [I] shows it's about you
in photographs I cannot speak
whiteness of teeth from years and use darkened a suggestion would be to put darkened on the next line
like missing bricks and falling bridges

distant memory of mothers joy [distant] isn't really needed [mother's joy]
of white skin and dewy eyes
tiny hands and yellow curls
lungs shining like pink birthday balloons
heart tapping like rain on aluminum this stanza is a treat. some good images that show the joy of motherhood.

but puckered creases of time cross the face no need for [but]
and spots of life lay on hands and arms another solid image. i've got a few of those spots myself
sunken eyes sit by hanging skin would under hanging skin be more correct?
like tire grooves worn into over-driven roads a suggestion would be to make this the second line of the stanza. it was made to fit under the creases line. another good solid stanza.

let us begin again
may sweat and spit join rain in clouds
buried body unite with mud
so make it true
the endlessness
hope of renewal
cycle of flesh






__________________________________

Before somebody dies


When the softness of my lips grow hard and dry
When the wet tongue in my mouth lay still with stiffness
My toes curled in permanence my fingers tangled
When my hair brittle and without shine

Warmth leaves and feeling with it
skin flakes away like cigarette stained paper
the memory in photographs, memory of me
whiteness of teeth, years and use made darkened
like missing bricks and falling bridges

the soft memory of mothers joy
skin anew and bright eyes
tiny hands and perfect curls
new and fresh warm and perfect

puckered creases of time across face
spots of life on hands and arms
sunken eyes sitting by hanging skin
like tire grooves sunken in brick roads

let us all begin again
make it true the endlessness
hope renewed cycle of flesh
reason for thought and loneliness