10-22-2014, 11:28 PM
hi ryan.
i've give some remarks in the body of the poem but there is still more that could be mentioned.
watch out for the same words used within the poem. always go for something different if you can.
i can see what you want to say with the poem and how it's a sort of stance against the media and the politicians., but it does feel a bit trite and expected. if it's a rant, make it a real rant. mock the media, use expletives about the war. show the gritty stuff which is really where an expose poem should do.
slam poetry can have a meter much of it though is a spoken meter where the speaker creates the rhythm within the speaking of it. often the speech can be drawn out or shortened to add impact. the use of small words can weaken a good slam poem the same as it does with a written poem
thanks for the read.
i've give some remarks in the body of the poem but there is still more that could be mentioned.
watch out for the same words used within the poem. always go for something different if you can.
i can see what you want to say with the poem and how it's a sort of stance against the media and the politicians., but it does feel a bit trite and expected. if it's a rant, make it a real rant. mock the media, use expletives about the war. show the gritty stuff which is really where an expose poem should do.
slam poetry can have a meter much of it though is a spoken meter where the speaker creates the rhythm within the speaking of it. often the speech can be drawn out or shortened to add impact. the use of small words can weaken a good slam poem the same as it does with a written poem
thanks for the read.
(10-10-2014, 06:09 AM)Ryan_w_r Wrote: My attempt at what would be considered slam poetry I guess.. Which really only reads correctly in the mind of the writer lol good luck..
-------------------------------------
Political unrest, and riots in our streets. would [the] make the rioting seem more universal, is and needed?
Circular wars, and scorched earth in the Middle East.i like the use of circular wars to represent tit for tat killing as awell as wars that seemingly have no end
Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets. [lay]and [fathers rest] words are more direct without the ing no need really for [woman's] let's face it, they could be gay or it could be the woman playing away a suggestion would be [while parents lay in other's sheets.]
All the while, another child looses their life on the streets. no need for [all the while] make it compact [loses]
The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed. feels a little to obvious
Countless lives being lost over things we don't need. we always get a number for the dead, is countless needed?
See, what we NEED is an enlightened generation willing to plant a seed. this line feels forced plus the second usage of need doesn't do anything for the poem
A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth.
Because what we have now, well, it doesn't work..
We are a pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation.
Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations..