10-22-2014, 10:21 PM
As if I needed any help hating the state of things... but nice poem
This is a spot of truth. A poem of true angst and frustration. I like the way you show men and women in this poem with the line "Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets." I feel men are to blame for most war's evils so I appreciate the contrast of a loving broken mother and a cheating, lousy father. I instantly pictured the father as a soldier away, cheating. Because well of course that's what they do so often.
I like the feeling and words and especially the idea of "we are pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation" but I don't feel the flow there. Something about the great rhythm - like it should be spoken word, runs through the poem but feels lost on that line. I am not confidently in a position to give deeper critique with my level of experience in poetry but I hope this helped a bit. End note - I love the thoughts and feelings in this piece and think the value of editing and refining will be well worth the end product.
This is a spot of truth. A poem of true angst and frustration. I like the way you show men and women in this poem with the line "Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets." I feel men are to blame for most war's evils so I appreciate the contrast of a loving broken mother and a cheating, lousy father. I instantly pictured the father as a soldier away, cheating. Because well of course that's what they do so often.
I like the feeling and words and especially the idea of "we are pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation" but I don't feel the flow there. Something about the great rhythm - like it should be spoken word, runs through the poem but feels lost on that line. I am not confidently in a position to give deeper critique with my level of experience in poetry but I hope this helped a bit. End note - I love the thoughts and feelings in this piece and think the value of editing and refining will be well worth the end product.