What have we done..

[ellajam]

Hi, Ryan, sorry to butt in on your thread but I know that you, like the rest of us, post here for input on how you might improve your poem. I've had to delete the posts below as one-liners that belong on a vanity site, not a workshop. I hope these posters who obviously saw so much good in your poem will give it another read and add some constructive crit to help you perfect it.
Thanks for your patience. ella/mod

I think this is a fantastic poem. As I read it I can definitely hear it being read as slam poetry. It flows really nicely throughout as well. My only recommendation is that you could probably add a concluding line or two.

My attempt at what would be considered slam poetry I guess.. Which really only reads correctly in the mind of the writer lol good luck..
Hi Ryan, I like the poem, but some of the lines can be shorted to better reflect the one it's associated with and it needs an ending.


-------------------------------------

Political unrest, and riots in our streets.

Circular wars, and scorched earth in the Middle East.

Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets.

All the while, another child looses their life on the streets.

The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed. 

Countless lives being lost over things we don't need.

See, what we NEED is an enlightened generation willing to plant a seed. 

A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth. 

Because what we have now, well, it doesn't work.. 

We are a pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation.

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations..

It's a great poem, it has a nice flow, I would leave it the ways it is. I like the way it ends. I also think it is a wonderful sentiment that will never happen.

There is a lot of truth in this poem, as there is emotion. The reader feels as if you're very knowledgeable with the topic, and that I am sure, you are.

Love it. That's a nice piece you got there.