In Autumn, 11:30 P.M.
#5
(10-22-2014, 07:29 PM)arbitraryarmor Wrote:  Overall a strong poem with good imagery that evokes a pleasant view.

(10-22-2014, 01:56 PM)coy Wrote:  Every step's a pitter-patter,
merging with the crickets' chatter.
Water sighs its murmured hymn, Good line here
surrounding stones always give in.

I trek above the vales high If you replaced 'vales' with a two-syllable word, you'd keep meter beter
and smile at an orange sky,
where afterglow has left its mark;
it pleads the world to stray from dark. Good personification

And this is when I make my stop,
to watch night eat the afterglow; I wouldn't re-use the word afterglow here
the singing from the crickets stops,
as night engulfs her victim, slow. I'm not loving this line; i feel like your last line could be stronger than this one.

*/ thinking about changing the word "surrounding" in the last line of the first stanza to "eroding" if image comes across nebulous. /*
Just snapped out of my stupor and realized vales is one syllable. Thanks for the crit and compliments. I'll try to make the last line more eventful.
"A man with true morals behaves the same, whether starving or sated."

--Anonymous
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Messages In This Thread
In Autumn, 11:30 P.M. - by coy - 10-22-2014, 01:56 PM
RE: In Autumn, 11:30 P.M. - by billy - 10-22-2014, 07:21 PM
RE: In Autumn, 11:30 P.M. - by coy - 10-22-2014, 07:43 PM
RE: In Autumn, 11:30 P.M. - by arbitraryarmor - 10-22-2014, 07:29 PM
RE: In Autumn, 11:30 P.M. - by coy - 10-22-2014, 07:48 PM
RE: In Autumn, 11:30 P.M. - by 71degrees - 10-23-2014, 12:55 AM
RE: In Autumn, 11:30 P.M. - by StanleyZ - 10-23-2014, 02:22 PM
RE: In Autumn, 11:30 P.M. - by coy - 10-23-2014, 04:24 PM
RE: In Autumn, 11:30 P.M. - by coolfunboy - 11-03-2014, 06:24 PM



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