10-22-2014, 07:48 PM
(10-22-2014, 07:29 PM)arbitraryarmor Wrote: Overall a strong poem with good imagery that evokes a pleasant view.Just snapped out of my stupor and realized vales is one syllable. Thanks for the crit and compliments. I'll try to make the last line more eventful.
(10-22-2014, 01:56 PM)coy Wrote: Every step's a pitter-patter,
merging with the crickets' chatter.
Water sighs its murmured hymn, Good line here
surrounding stones always give in.
I trek above the vales high If you replaced 'vales' with a two-syllable word, you'd keep meter beter
and smile at an orange sky,
where afterglow has left its mark;
it pleads the world to stray from dark. Good personification
And this is when I make my stop,
to watch night eat the afterglow; I wouldn't re-use the word afterglow here
the singing from the crickets stops,
as night engulfs her victim, slow. I'm not loving this line; i feel like your last line could be stronger than this one.
*/ thinking about changing the word "surrounding" in the last line of the first stanza to "eroding" if image comes across nebulous. /*
"A man with true morals behaves the same, whether starving or sated."
--Anonymous
--Anonymous

