10-22-2014, 03:54 PM
I am here to learn. I have learned so much more from these critiques than I dreamed and expected. I am delighted by the responses, thank you very deeply. Here is my final draft (but then I always seem to think that.) ... what do I know? I certainly didn't obey as much as I should have but I took all suggestions/corrections into consideration and tried within my abilities to apply them.
After the awkward cliches were found, I remain interested in writing a second poem.
Jess
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REVISED 2
When the corpulent lips grow hard and dry
When the misty tongue lie stiff in mouth
toes bowed in permanence and fingers tangled
strands of hair brittle and without shine
warmth departs and feeling with it
skin peels away like cigarette-stained wall paper
whiteness of teeth from years and use darkened
like missing bricks and falling windows
memory of mother's joy
of white skin and dewy eyes
tiny hands and yellow curls
heart tapping like rain on aluminum
and lungs that shine like pink balloons
in photographs I cannot breathe, I cannot speak
puckered creases of time cross the face
like tire grooves worn into over-driven roads
and spots of life lay on hands and arms
as languid eyes touch hanging skin
________________________________________________________________________________________
REVISED
lips grow hard and dry
tongue lay still with stiffness in mouth
toes turned in permanence and fingers tangled
hair brittle and without shine
warmth departs and feeling with it
skin flakes away like cigarette stained wall paper
in photographs of me I cannot breathe
in photographs I cannot speak
whiteness of teeth from years and use darkened
like missing bricks and falling bridges
distant memory of mothers joy
of white skin and dewy eyes
tiny hands and yellow curls
lungs shining like pink birthday balloons
heart tapping like rain on aluminum
but puckered creases of time cross the face
and spots of life lay on hands and arms
sunken eyes sit by hanging skin
like tire grooves worn into over-driven roads
let us begin again
may sweat and spit join rain in clouds
buried body unite with mud
so make it true
the endlessness
hope of renewal
cycle of flesh
__________________________________
Before somebody dies
When the softness of my lips grow hard and dry
When the wet tongue in my mouth lay still with stiffness
My toes curled in permanence my fingers tangled
When my hair brittle and without shine
Warmth leaves and feeling with it
skin flakes away like cigarette stained paper
the memory in photographs, memory of me
whiteness of teeth, years and use made darkened
like missing bricks and falling bridges
the soft memory of mothers joy
skin anew and bright eyes
tiny hands and perfect curls
new and fresh warm and perfect
puckered creases of time across face
spots of life on hands and arms
sunken eyes sitting by hanging skin
like tire grooves sunken in brick roads
let us all begin again
make it true the endlessness
hope renewed cycle of flesh
reason for thought and loneliness
After the awkward cliches were found, I remain interested in writing a second poem.
Jess
__________________________________________________________________
REVISED 2
When the corpulent lips grow hard and dry
When the misty tongue lie stiff in mouth
toes bowed in permanence and fingers tangled
strands of hair brittle and without shine
warmth departs and feeling with it
skin peels away like cigarette-stained wall paper
whiteness of teeth from years and use darkened
like missing bricks and falling windows
memory of mother's joy
of white skin and dewy eyes
tiny hands and yellow curls
heart tapping like rain on aluminum
and lungs that shine like pink balloons
in photographs I cannot breathe, I cannot speak
puckered creases of time cross the face
like tire grooves worn into over-driven roads
and spots of life lay on hands and arms
as languid eyes touch hanging skin
________________________________________________________________________________________
REVISED
lips grow hard and dry
tongue lay still with stiffness in mouth
toes turned in permanence and fingers tangled
hair brittle and without shine
warmth departs and feeling with it
skin flakes away like cigarette stained wall paper
in photographs of me I cannot breathe
in photographs I cannot speak
whiteness of teeth from years and use darkened
like missing bricks and falling bridges
distant memory of mothers joy
of white skin and dewy eyes
tiny hands and yellow curls
lungs shining like pink birthday balloons
heart tapping like rain on aluminum
but puckered creases of time cross the face
and spots of life lay on hands and arms
sunken eyes sit by hanging skin
like tire grooves worn into over-driven roads
let us begin again
may sweat and spit join rain in clouds
buried body unite with mud
so make it true
the endlessness
hope of renewal
cycle of flesh
__________________________________
Before somebody dies
When the softness of my lips grow hard and dry
When the wet tongue in my mouth lay still with stiffness
My toes curled in permanence my fingers tangled
When my hair brittle and without shine
Warmth leaves and feeling with it
skin flakes away like cigarette stained paper
the memory in photographs, memory of me
whiteness of teeth, years and use made darkened
like missing bricks and falling bridges
the soft memory of mothers joy
skin anew and bright eyes
tiny hands and perfect curls
new and fresh warm and perfect
puckered creases of time across face
spots of life on hands and arms
sunken eyes sitting by hanging skin
like tire grooves sunken in brick roads
let us all begin again
make it true the endlessness
hope renewed cycle of flesh
reason for thought and loneliness