A cynic's view on love and bliss

[Todd]

Hi,

I like the idea behind the poem and the title. I think you need to push it more though. This feels way too safe to me to get the emotional payoff you need. I also think each strophe has to be crisp and memorable.

You may also want to consider starting with either he or she and alternating only getting to they or their when you're ready to the drive the knife in.

Here are a few line notes:

A cynic's view on love and bliss

Every time--weak first line doesn't stand on its own.
we went to get coffee at Joe's
Joe's wasn't called "Joe's, Of All the Places We'd Meet!"[b]--This opening is not tight enough to start with. It needs a stronger image. Maybe the flower shriveling.

Now every time
they skip down the sidewalk
I see the ants crushed by their feet.

And every time
he plucks her a flower
I see the stem shrivel behind.

And every time
her ring catches the light
I see the war around African mines. I like the specificity of this, but at the same time you want to see something innocent naturally connecting to something more dark. How does light off a ring lead to war? The lines would be stronger if the images could connect more cleanly--even if at a slant.

And every time
a wooden alter is built--spelling altar
I see workers chopping the tree.--Again I think you can push harder to make the image have more emotional weight.

And every time
she turns to look in his eyes
I see her eyes turning from me.--Needs more build up to work as a payoff.

Just some thoughts,

Todd