The Onset of Winter

[Jae Mc Donnell]

A quick note--you have an instinct for creating effects, it seems. Lots of commas create viscosity, the grey sky pairs with desaturation, "entranced" gets its own line--it's an enviable gift. Develop it, and you'll be greatness.

Proofread:
She stands, defiant, her beauty[no comma] jarring against the impending grey.  
--"impending grey" is a baffling phrase. Do you mean that the sky is grey now, that it's blue but grey is coming on, or that some other grey entity is coming?
--I think what you're saying is that a woman defies authority and stands, and her beauty contrasts with the bleak sky.
----if so, you've got a ways to go toward specifics.
----Beauty doesn't contrast with grey; it contrasts with ugliness or plainness. Is the grey here plain? If so, say so. But more importantly, replace "beauty" with a feature.
------"her hips shocking against the sterile sky," something like that
The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.  
--fragment
--viscous and inevitable don't pair well
--I'm having trouble with "the mood"--it's unassigned. The mood of the characters, the scene, what?
She shivers, a moment of weakness;
He cedes, then violently his vast being rages,
--he cedes? I do not think it means what you think it means . . .
ripping at her flesh
--"ripping at" is nonsensical. He either rips or he fails to rip.
as innocent souls,
--replace "as" with "while" to enhance readability
entranced,
--consider "ensorceled" (jk)
huddle against the cold onset of winter
--onset is unnecessary
and watch the death of a flower.
--flowers don't die. plants die, and flowers close or drop.

crow:  Thank you very much for your fine critique and also your encouraging words.  I have left a reply below.