10-19-2014, 01:46 PM
Quote:Lady Liberty's new son <-- Here, I think you could totally omit "new son", because within the first line you say she "adopts a son", therefore the reader already knows that the son is "new". In fact, I think "Lady Liberty" would also not be the best choice for the title, because your first line already lets the reader know that this poem is definitely about Lady Liberty. Would you consider renaming it? What do you feel you really want this poem to translate to the reader? What impact do you want to have? The words that come to you as you answer these questions may lead to a more creative title, dense with meaning.
Lady liberty adopts a son <-- What about "new son", like you suggested in the title? This line lacks in its effectiveness, though it is a large part of the poem's premise. The cogency of the line needs to be heightened... do you think rephrasing it in a more prolific way would take away from the message you're trying to get across to the reader? I definitely think it would.
A lad embraces opportunity <-- I don't think "A lad" is specific enough. "This lad" would be more appropriate, because it would let the reader know that it isn't just ANY lad that is embracing opportunity, but actually the "son" being adopted within the line just before this one that is doing such a wonderful thing.
Land of liberty belongs to him <-- The problem here, is that your trying to name something, therefore your capitalization needs some revision. Also "Land of Liberty belongs to him" doesn't read very well, I would suggest the addition of "The", placed as the first article for this line.
He is beheld by its beauty <-- I see you may be trying to rhyme with "opportunity" here, but this is far too cliche of a line. How did this man feel when this beauty was beheld? I think you could include a really genuine feeling here-- although, the feeling must be written in a more original format.
Lady's values shine off him, like a sunny gleam
He travels forth to toil her soil
And achieve the American dream <-- I'm no punctuation connoisseur, but this probably needs a period-- it is ending the poem after all.
I think this poem is bordering on being cliche (based off of all the poems written about "The American Dream", and its freedom). The concept is heart warming, but I've read poems like it before, which worries me that this piece just might be "one of many". I think you have a great ability to summarize an idea into just a few lines, but IMO you should try to work on being more innovative with how you interpret those ideas.