10-17-2014, 11:08 PM
I like this a lot, creates a great atmosphere. My only critique is nitpicky so I'll just toss those in alongside the poem.
Call from the Night
The darkness beckons
silently in the silky night air.
Enveloping her body in a cloak,
hugging her as an old friend.
He whispers words into her ear:
escape, bliss, wonder.
And she thinks about going with him. I know this line is the focal point of the poem but each time I come back to it it interrupts the flow. Maybe it's because it's a little wordy. I could see you potentially getting rid of "with him" but I know that doesn't necessarily get the same point across.
She wonders what it would feel like
to see the shadows trace
the veins on her arms.
To feel frigid adrenaline
pump through her blood:
Dark, cold, comforting.
And she thinks about going with him.
He tells her of his years;
How he hides in the night.
And she thinks it seems nice I think you could find a better word than nice here.
To be submerged in the calm.
Loneliness chimes in:
Peace, tranquility, freedom.
And she thinks about going with him.
But dawn breaks and darkness cries.
She fears of losing her companion
But something tells her to stay. I agree with the previous comment about the word something being in the place of something potentially more creative.
She hears a soft murmur in her ear:
I love you.
Darkness runs away.
Overall I think this is really solid, everything I didn't comment on is great.
Call from the Night
The darkness beckons
silently in the silky night air.
Enveloping her body in a cloak,
hugging her as an old friend.
He whispers words into her ear:
escape, bliss, wonder.
And she thinks about going with him. I know this line is the focal point of the poem but each time I come back to it it interrupts the flow. Maybe it's because it's a little wordy. I could see you potentially getting rid of "with him" but I know that doesn't necessarily get the same point across.
She wonders what it would feel like
to see the shadows trace
the veins on her arms.
To feel frigid adrenaline
pump through her blood:
Dark, cold, comforting.
And she thinks about going with him.
He tells her of his years;
How he hides in the night.
And she thinks it seems nice I think you could find a better word than nice here.
To be submerged in the calm.
Loneliness chimes in:
Peace, tranquility, freedom.
And she thinks about going with him.
But dawn breaks and darkness cries.
She fears of losing her companion
But something tells her to stay. I agree with the previous comment about the word something being in the place of something potentially more creative.
She hears a soft murmur in her ear:
I love you.
Darkness runs away.
Overall I think this is really solid, everything I didn't comment on is great.