10-13-2014, 09:31 AM
Hello!
I love the concept of this piece, and the imagery utilized here. The idea is creatively presented as well.
However, I do think that the poem could flow a little better. Some of the lines are a bit awkward. For example, the line "He brings his two pet snakes outside" is not very euphonious. The "p" in "pet" disrupts the flow of the line. Perhaps it would sound better like this: "He brings his snakes outside". Sometimes the hard consonant sounds are too disrupting for a piece to flow.
Also, the second line about "the drizzle" is confusing. Maybe "while rain falls" would sound better. Drizzle sounds like better vocabulary, but I think that "rain" fits the message a bit better.
I hope this helped! And, like I said, I really like your concept. I look forward to reading your work in the future.
I love the concept of this piece, and the imagery utilized here. The idea is creatively presented as well.
However, I do think that the poem could flow a little better. Some of the lines are a bit awkward. For example, the line "He brings his two pet snakes outside" is not very euphonious. The "p" in "pet" disrupts the flow of the line. Perhaps it would sound better like this: "He brings his snakes outside". Sometimes the hard consonant sounds are too disrupting for a piece to flow.
Also, the second line about "the drizzle" is confusing. Maybe "while rain falls" would sound better. Drizzle sounds like better vocabulary, but I think that "rain" fits the message a bit better.
I hope this helped! And, like I said, I really like your concept. I look forward to reading your work in the future.