04-01-2010, 06:12 AM
i was going to leave this till tomorrow larry cos i'm shafted but after reading it i can't see that much that would improve it.
not sure if residue works in the last line of the 1st stanza.
is there needed on the 4th line of the 2nd stanza?
the mention of soul took a little away from the poem for me.
the last verse feels a bit forced and for me the poem ends at the end of the 3rd stanza.
as usual i enjoyed the write. i love that you write the way you do larry. especially your originality.
the internal rhythm is excellent.
vision, collision work it in there just right. nicely done.
not sure if residue works in the last line of the 1st stanza.
is there needed on the 4th line of the 2nd stanza?
the mention of soul took a little away from the poem for me.
the last verse feels a bit forced and for me the poem ends at the end of the 3rd stanza.
as usual i enjoyed the write. i love that you write the way you do larry. especially your originality.
the internal rhythm is excellent.
vision, collision work it in there just right. nicely done.