10-12-2014, 02:03 AM
Alright, Owl, you got me caught up in this hahaha I'll go ahead and give it a macro 
Macro.
Critical Issue #1: The metaphor.
Word Weaver went to great lengths to develop a sense-making interpretation. But it doesn't hold up bc, as was correctly noted, it can't account for the claws.
Bottom line: you overworked your central metaphor instead of abandoning it because its easier to talk about the violence and cruelty of wolves than the violence and cruelty of the events of your life.
But the pathos of your story is the story itself, not the clothing you put on it. I'd 1000% rather read a poem about your real life than one about a pack of bizarrely aggressive wolves. Not only that, I *want* to read that poem. Very badly, in fact. So go write it!
Critical Issue #2: lines that don't make sense.
There are only four lines that make total sense: 1, 3, 10, and 17. The rest we have to guess at their meaning. The most perplexing is: "Slick hides sever sweet escape." I can't picture a hide either severing something or preventing an escape.
Critical Issue #3: The poem is merely descriptive.
Here's the narrative you've got. In S1, the speaker, who might it might not've been eaten, becomes enthralled by an abyss. In S2, the speaker can't get free and enters a trap. In S3, wolves maliciously enter the speaker's body. Finally, in S4 a pack of wolves moves in for the kill.
In other words, the poem functions only to describe the wolves. The same event occurs in each stanza: wolves cause harm.
This is a problem bc there's no dilemma, and hence no plot.
The simplest solution to this is to have the narrator fighting for his life. As written, it seems like that's what's happening, but it isn't. There are no instances where the narrator resists.
Macro.
Critical Issue #1: The metaphor.
Word Weaver went to great lengths to develop a sense-making interpretation. But it doesn't hold up bc, as was correctly noted, it can't account for the claws.
Bottom line: you overworked your central metaphor instead of abandoning it because its easier to talk about the violence and cruelty of wolves than the violence and cruelty of the events of your life.
But the pathos of your story is the story itself, not the clothing you put on it. I'd 1000% rather read a poem about your real life than one about a pack of bizarrely aggressive wolves. Not only that, I *want* to read that poem. Very badly, in fact. So go write it!
Critical Issue #2: lines that don't make sense.
There are only four lines that make total sense: 1, 3, 10, and 17. The rest we have to guess at their meaning. The most perplexing is: "Slick hides sever sweet escape." I can't picture a hide either severing something or preventing an escape.
Critical Issue #3: The poem is merely descriptive.
Here's the narrative you've got. In S1, the speaker, who might it might not've been eaten, becomes enthralled by an abyss. In S2, the speaker can't get free and enters a trap. In S3, wolves maliciously enter the speaker's body. Finally, in S4 a pack of wolves moves in for the kill.
In other words, the poem functions only to describe the wolves. The same event occurs in each stanza: wolves cause harm.
This is a problem bc there's no dilemma, and hence no plot.
The simplest solution to this is to have the narrator fighting for his life. As written, it seems like that's what's happening, but it isn't. There are no instances where the narrator resists.
A yak is normal.