insanity

[chanchan77]

first off, thanks for giving feedback in the other forums. :J:
no need to ask for feedback, it's what the sites here for.  

overall i think you could trim the poem by removing some excess word use. i'll bold out the ones that feel like they're not needed.a great effort. i wasn't expecting the twist at the end and the expletive works well enough to keep. it accentuates the understated anger of the previous lines. thanks for the read and welcome to the site.

don't you dare
contaminate me with your filthy thoughts and would and be better at the start of the next line?
kill me with your unspoken words or i like the or at the end of this line, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't, this one does.
tease me with your deceiving fingers and [try a period ]instead of [and] and see what you think
watch me with your judgmental eyes or
inhale me with your thick breath and
smother me with your swollen lips but most of all a suggestion would be a comma instead of but
don't you fucking dare okay, i wasn't expecting this. it turns the poem round on it's arse in a good way.
call me crazy what do think of ending the poem here
when you are the one causing my insanity this line feels a bit forced and takes away some of the power of the line above it.
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Ok so yeah will someone please give me feedback it would mean the world..

Also improved this one..

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don't you dare
contaminate me with filthy thoughts
and kill me with piercing words
tease me with deceiving fingers or
watch me with judgmental eyes
inhale me with thick breath
and smother me with swollen lips, most of all
don't you fucking dare
call me crazy
when you are the one causing my insanity
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