The Sea of Truths

[ellajam]

Hi, welcome and thanks for the critiques you've left for others.

I enjoyed the read. It feels like you've almost got a hold on the the poem but it gets away from. You've got an iambic meter running through most of it but you let it go. Take a look at the lines that start with an accent, like "never did she try to run", for me they are tripping points.

While unaware/prayer is a lovely rhyme, adrift/built won't even work as a slant for me. Using unaware two stanzas in a row doesn't really work either.

I think this is worth putting in some time and thought into. I don't know what your experience with rhyme and meter is but I've found the Poetry Practice forum really helpful, you may want to give it a look.

Glad to have you here, I hope you enjoy the site.

This is the first poem I have written in a while, let me know what you think! Don't hold back on the criticism.

Sea of Truths
The girl was set adrift
upon the sea of truths
in a boat that she had built
of dreams and simple youth.

She insisted she'd be fine
as she raised her scarlet sail.
It would be okay in time,
all she needed was a gale.

She remained unaware
of the storm that had begun
She didn't say a prayer,
never did she try to run

The waters were rough, they
grabbed her skin, pulled her hair.
They told her scary things,
of which she had been unaware.

She insisted she was fine
as the sea took in her ship
The water looked benign,
But the sail began to rip.

Yet her voice stayed strong.
And she shouted for some help
But she then heard the song
Of the voices in the kelp.

Nothing drowned the sounds
of sirens in the distance.
They whispered tempting things,
She lost all her resistance.

She took a breath of air
And it would be her last.
Water caressed her hair,
touched dead hands of the past

The waves tossed golden curls
lulling her to sleep.
They filled her eyes with pearls,

And she sank into the deep.