10-10-2014, 02:13 PM
it reads more like a rant to me. i don't know if i am allowed to , but i tried rewriting it removing the redundant words. maybe something on these lines that will make it less cliched and concise :
You contaminate me with filthy thoughts
kill me with unspoken words
tease me with deceiving fingers
watch me with judgmental eyes
inhale me with thick breath and
smother me with swollen lips.
Most of all you call me crazy
when you are the one causing my insanity.
thank you for indulging me. i like the thought that has gone into it. i am not sure about punctuation or upper cases because i rarely use them in my writing. but i tried using them here but you can use it or lose it. it's your poem finally.
You contaminate me with filthy thoughts
kill me with unspoken words
tease me with deceiving fingers
watch me with judgmental eyes
inhale me with thick breath and
smother me with swollen lips.
Most of all you call me crazy
when you are the one causing my insanity.
thank you for indulging me. i like the thought that has gone into it. i am not sure about punctuation or upper cases because i rarely use them in my writing. but i tried using them here but you can use it or lose it. it's your poem finally.
