10-10-2014, 06:14 AM
I like the imagery in this poem. Just a few suggestions though:
Our neighbor, Jeff, is sitting out, How is he sitting out? Perhaps reword this.
while drizzle falls, he leans and stares
as water gurgles down the spout
beside the window I look though. through?
The man has sat there now for years,
not more than fifty feet away.
But still, my mother has her fears…
he talks and laughs up to the sky. Maybe make this more descriptive. ex: he cackles at the sky?
He brings his two pet snakes outside,
and lets them slither on a branch
he found on Assateague and tied
up in the roof over his porch.
When it stops raining, I’m sure he’ll
be working on his Cherokee,
which wears a crackling, but still
there, “Veteran” bumper sticker.
Maybe add some more descriptive language
Our neighbor, Jeff, is sitting out, How is he sitting out? Perhaps reword this.
while drizzle falls, he leans and stares
as water gurgles down the spout
beside the window I look though. through?
The man has sat there now for years,
not more than fifty feet away.
But still, my mother has her fears…
he talks and laughs up to the sky. Maybe make this more descriptive. ex: he cackles at the sky?
He brings his two pet snakes outside,
and lets them slither on a branch
he found on Assateague and tied
up in the roof over his porch.
When it stops raining, I’m sure he’ll
be working on his Cherokee,
which wears a crackling, but still
there, “Veteran” bumper sticker.
Maybe add some more descriptive language