10-07-2014, 08:12 AM
Paul,
A clear image of the scene you want to describe. It could certainly stay exactly as it is and be fine, but here are some suggestions you may wish to explore–or ignore.
I think it might be better to put "the " before "burnt leaves", as it will make the burnt leaves appear more as a cohesivegroup, and maybe just a comma after " leaves" instead of an em dash. You also might try "whispers" rather than "whispering":
he whispers
it whispers
they whisper
You would need to introduce "is" before "Whispering" to make it work this way.
he is whispering
they are whispering.
These are not large things, but they do cause a bit of disruption in the poem. Even unconsciously this effects the reader, and their opinion of the poem.
dale
A clear image of the scene you want to describe. It could certainly stay exactly as it is and be fine, but here are some suggestions you may wish to explore–or ignore.
I think it might be better to put "the " before "burnt leaves", as it will make the burnt leaves appear more as a cohesivegroup, and maybe just a comma after " leaves" instead of an em dash. You also might try "whispers" rather than "whispering":
he whispers
it whispers
they whisper
You would need to introduce "is" before "Whispering" to make it work this way.
he is whispering
they are whispering.
These are not large things, but they do cause a bit of disruption in the poem. Even unconsciously this effects the reader, and their opinion of the poem.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.