10-04-2014, 09:07 AM
As another person who has only just written his first poem I'd like to offer some feedback, but feel the need to add a disclaimer that I really don't know what I'm talking about yet, I also feel I have much to learn.
Anyway, compared to my first poem yours looks like it was written by a seasoned poet.
I can't speak much about the technicalities and intricacies of poetry but I can say that you succeeded in communicating emotion in your poem. I like the contrast of how you portray the game of fetch as some serious or even epic endeavor in the mind of the dog while still communicating the spirit of a playful, silly puppy. I think you succeeded in doing what poetry is meant to do.
Unfortunately I'm to new to this to offer any constructive criticism, although I do want to comment on something other people have criticized. I like the line 'I am close enough now to smell your fear' despite the fact that the ball obviously doesn't have fear. I think it helps communicate the mindset of the puppy, because although he's playing with an inanimate object and is probably aware it's not a real prey, it's his hunter instincts that make the game enjoyable to the dog. That line does the best job at giving me a sense of how totally immersed the dogs mind is in this simple game of fetch. That's just my 2 cents though, you'd probably be better off to listen to the advice of the more experienced writers here.
Anyway, compared to my first poem yours looks like it was written by a seasoned poet.
I can't speak much about the technicalities and intricacies of poetry but I can say that you succeeded in communicating emotion in your poem. I like the contrast of how you portray the game of fetch as some serious or even epic endeavor in the mind of the dog while still communicating the spirit of a playful, silly puppy. I think you succeeded in doing what poetry is meant to do.
Unfortunately I'm to new to this to offer any constructive criticism, although I do want to comment on something other people have criticized. I like the line 'I am close enough now to smell your fear' despite the fact that the ball obviously doesn't have fear. I think it helps communicate the mindset of the puppy, because although he's playing with an inanimate object and is probably aware it's not a real prey, it's his hunter instincts that make the game enjoyable to the dog. That line does the best job at giving me a sense of how totally immersed the dogs mind is in this simple game of fetch. That's just my 2 cents though, you'd probably be better off to listen to the advice of the more experienced writers here.