some good images in the poem i didn't really catch on till the 3rd stanza that it was about those who died at sea.
humility in the footnote has an i missing
not too shoddy a poem with a few small nits.
humility in the footnote has an i missing
not too shoddy a poem with a few small nits.
(10-01-2014, 06:09 PM)tectak Wrote: Death walks like mist, through windless dawn, not sure walks is the right word for this simile, would [a] be of use between though [a] windless dawn; or remove the comma after mist
pulled pale from sanguine seas. nice p's and s's
Wraiths scurry from the sunlight, drawn i do like this line. though i'm not sure why.
to shadows under trees. would by work better than to though i suppose i'm being pedantic here
Crows' nests, abandoned, fall to grass;
white bones, stick-thin and dry.
Black widow's rags, the birds croak past,
drowning the gull's wild cry. this verse threw me as it changed tack and i can't see why?
Like sailor's souls, gulls wheel in winds more gull's
tempted by dry land;
they stay aloft, as though their sins
were blown in stinging sand. this line feels like it wants to be resaid. a suggestion would be [held] instead of [blown]
Grey sandstone tablets scattered round,
though fractured, still proclaim
that down below in salted ground
the briney boys remain. okay, now i'm getting what the poems about. people lost at sea. now the 2nd verse is making sense.
Ah, how they cursed and how they hauled
against the lashing rain;
then one by one they fell and called
on shipmates lost...none came. this one ties all the connections together.
Inland most lie, beneath black yews;
the rest were swept to sea.
Good seamen all, none would accuse,
for all is destiny.
tectak 1965 i know this is you but i see it as the ships name and when it was lost though i like 1765 better
Posted with some humilty to demonstrate poetry without using big words...you know who you are
