August

[Tamara]

I enjoyed the poem. There are some nice images and it has good pace and movement. But there are too many goodbyes in the poem which is distracting and does nothing to help the poem. maybe you could trim them down. I guess one goodbye at the beginning or the end might make it more effective. And somehow the 'she said' also does not work too well. maybe a comma instead of a colon will soften it rather than making it read like a statement.

something like:


Driving home under the moon,
remembering her cold hands.
She said: Don’t waste autumn
smoking and staring at your shoes.

Listening to radio static
and swallowing pills until you fall
onto pillows .

Goodbye, broken glass,
hand towels and carving knife.

She said,  Write if you can,
and don’t worry about the night,
the night was always too dark for me.

Goodbye.