10-01-2014, 06:53 AM
rowens,
Thanks for the comment. Although more streamlined in your version, by removing the "while" you take away the inference that the ant killer is aware of, but ignoring the bear, and that volition is very integral to the thesis of the poem. It also places the two things "bear" and "ants" in the same time frame, which I wanted to be overt, not simply an inference. However, I will concede your version has the look of a very Post-modernistic poem like dark ink upon an off white glossy page. In terms of "in" vs. "on" the sink, the ants can't be in the sink because the sink is the Mediterranean sea and they would drown. I could say "upon" the sink, but I don't want too. I will take you revision under advisement when I come back to this later.
However as I have no feelings, you can feel free to rewrite my poems anytime you want. I would do the same for you, except due to the density and length of your writing, I always have to take a nap around the midpoint, and then finish afterwards, and I have nothing left to do such a thing as rewriting your writing.
dale
Thanks for the comment. Although more streamlined in your version, by removing the "while" you take away the inference that the ant killer is aware of, but ignoring the bear, and that volition is very integral to the thesis of the poem. It also places the two things "bear" and "ants" in the same time frame, which I wanted to be overt, not simply an inference. However, I will concede your version has the look of a very Post-modernistic poem like dark ink upon an off white glossy page. In terms of "in" vs. "on" the sink, the ants can't be in the sink because the sink is the Mediterranean sea and they would drown. I could say "upon" the sink, but I don't want too. I will take you revision under advisement when I come back to this later.
However as I have no feelings, you can feel free to rewrite my poems anytime you want. I would do the same for you, except due to the density and length of your writing, I always have to take a nap around the midpoint, and then finish afterwards, and I have nothing left to do such a thing as rewriting your writing.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.