Two For Alice

[ellajam]

Winter

Your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint,
porches forming wings,
ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflection.

Half glassed for winter,
half screened to catch summer's breeze,
your home sang your soul:
cradled it during your stay,
released it to soar in joy.


Spring

Red geraniums
christen April's first boat ride;
Alice's daughter
wakes her mother's home from sleep,
grandchildren wade the shoreline.

Counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go,
she clears the hallways.
Blueprints drawn for room to grow,
she replants mom's favorites.

This was written when I first learned tanka, as 5/7/5/7/7. I edited it heavily and added punctuation here, trying to keep it's tanka heart and pivots. Here's my chance to ask all of you lovers of short form to take a new look at it with me. While I've let the syllable count go in new work, I still feel it gives this one bones, but maybe it's excess weight.

Any and all thoughts and/or critiques welcome. Thanks