in serious, the idea is to put an as finished as possible up for feedback/critique. putting up a choice of two is already an admission that one doesn't work. that said i like both for differing reasons. number 2 is the best which doesn't mean to say it has a few probs, on this basis i'll give feedback to that one. a suggestion for your dilemma is to write a selection of poems based on the same them; the scavenger's daughter.
the poem;
the font changes don't help the person giving feedback it creates a jungle for them to wade through, just highlight the formatting you wish and do more than one line at a time
i liked it a lot, felt cheated at the flat outcome which felt a bit forced. i could see little of any scavenger's daughter within the poem though i did like the simple study of the women used within the poem. a suggestion would be to change the title. that said as it's a brilliant tite, (it just doesn't fit the poem to well)
the poem;
the font changes don't help the person giving feedback it creates a jungle for them to wade through, just highlight the formatting you wish and do more than one line at a time
i liked it a lot, felt cheated at the flat outcome which felt a bit forced. i could see little of any scavenger's daughter within the poem though i did like the simple study of the women used within the poem. a suggestion would be to change the title. that said as it's a brilliant tite, (it just doesn't fit the poem to well)
(09-28-2014, 02:35 AM)bwasroy Wrote: The Scavenger's Daughter
All summer, the poplars hang[hung]hung like what? make the mundane a little bolder
she struggles to abandon cigarettes.[struggled] i like the opening, it sets the scene. it's shows a problem, will the problem become more?
Under her starched blouse, the starch gives me an impression of a neat meticulous person
a tattoo from a Chinese picture book. i do like the originality of this line.
A map of everything she has lost. no need for [has] leave as is or perhaps a contraction; [she'd] lost
She releases her aggression no need for [her] as it's a given the reader will automatically see
by kicking a ball in her backyard.
She wants very much to kick that ball over the moon, like this line a lot it's as if doing so would unload all her worries on the other side.
but the moon is much too far from her. is [from her] needed?
***She slept still on that first night,
and left no impressions in the bed. i would have preferred the [tattooed foot/ankle] to follow this line with a new line, in order to leave a different type of impression
But, that was long ago,
this room is scattered with papers now [the room] would suffice
and you cannot tell a woman lived here. for me you need another line or two as a reader i'm left feeling cheated.