Janus
#13
(09-29-2014, 06:06 PM)billy Wrote:  lots of people with dicky eyesight will be reaching for their glasses, think about your readers, many will have eye problems, small fint make eyes like mine bleed Big Grin

all in all you have the makings of a good poem. it does need an edit or two but it certainly has possibilities.

(09-28-2014, 12:40 PM)Tamara Wrote:  Teak wood flowers, snow drops i like the opening as it gives a good image though i do have a suggestion;
Teak wood flowers cluster
like snowdrops  on every branch,

cluster on every branch,
small fragrant ones;
a blizzard without a warning
on a November morning,
it’s as if winter set in early. no need for [it's] or [in]
You decide to leave,
crocheted leaves exhale leave and leaves feel too close in both ways. a suggestion would be to alter the next line.
winter and leave shadows;
a white haze on the hills.
I sing a lone song
a red whiskered bulbul
flies out to sunshine
and the leaves rustle. another leaves, a suggestion would be and the [insert tree of choice here] rustle[s]
mine too. lol. i can't read them even with my glasses. Big Grin it's too small. next time i will try typing the poem directly here. i copied and pasted it. 

thank you for the suggestions. it makes sense. another edit will follow soon.
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Messages In This Thread
Janus - by Tamara - 09-28-2014, 12:40 PM
RE: Janus - by brandontoh - 09-29-2014, 12:31 AM
RE: Janus - by Tamara - 09-29-2014, 12:35 AM
RE: Janus - by brandontoh - 09-29-2014, 01:06 AM
RE: Janus - by Tamara - 09-29-2014, 01:17 AM
RE: Janus - by BenjaminShaw - 09-29-2014, 10:36 AM
RE: Janus - by Tamara - 09-29-2014, 11:09 AM
RE: Janus - by just mercedes - 09-29-2014, 01:19 PM
RE: Janus - by just mercedes - 09-29-2014, 01:20 PM
RE: Janus - by Tamara - 09-29-2014, 03:27 PM
RE: Janus - by Tamara - 09-29-2014, 05:51 PM
RE: Janus - by billy - 09-29-2014, 06:06 PM
RE: Janus - by Tamara - 09-29-2014, 06:13 PM



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