Cancer

[billy]

while i read the footnote and accept what the reader states as a given. the poem is too wordy. a constant meter would help with the read but in general it needs a fair bit of imagery
the first line does draw the reader in but could be beneficially edited to give a little more of the same. (impact)
A sad and tearing anger was laying on my chest

A sad tearing anger lay on my chest
growing uncertainty
a numbness recurring in my body,
(perfect place here for a metaphor or simile)

sorry about the rewrite. it was easier to show than explain. in this piece there needs to be more showing and less explaining. the poet doesn't have to recount a discussion verbatim. it's best if they use artistic license and poetic device. the reader will assume the doctor said "you have cancer" without needing to be told. if you want to create impact, imply  "fuck me doctor, are you positive" though of course the expletives are words i use,

my suggestions are to cut away the mundane phrases/lines and replace them with something solid. cancer can't be blase. it's a killer.

allow the reader some small amount of being able to connect dots 1 to 3 without showing him number two dot.
change the cliches, there are a few of them that stick out. i didn't comment on all of them.

thanks for the read.

A sad and tearing anger was laying on my chest
in the midst of growing uncertainty
as a numb feeling was recurring in my body,
“You have Cancer” the doctor said, at First.

Pooh… there must be a mistake? did someone fart?
for a couple of seconds my world went black too shallow and also cliched.
but as bold as hope is I held myself back
as I recalled my family’s presence.

Empathy covered their faces
as I wondered if I would live or die big cliche
or if life would ever be enjoyable
as they stood in silence with tears in their eyes. big cliche

But, I chose not to give in to despair,
my family’s presence was my only strength
that to empower myself I listened in faith to knowledge of health
because my family is my vision of hope.

Though I may remember the day I was told
That moment came with gratitude in itself,
that is, to learn to stay on my feet choosing not miss my life
Keeping my faith and strengths, seeking health everyday.

I write and tell this story
it’s like a prayer for me and a guide for my family
likewise, it’s a guide for the community,
raising awareness that we may live in understanding and joy.

Though times may come when it drowns me down
it taught me best to stay on my feet
Seeking balance and to be content
it taught me best to leave despair behind.

Therefore, I seek good health everyday
taking care of myself a little more
living with passion and furthermore
always to be Happy!

(Note: Based on a conversation with my aunt)