09-28-2014, 11:39 AM
vrryan, welcome to the site.
I like the concept at the end, it is very fresh.
On the negative most of the rhymes seem forced, and although this is not metered, there is a certain cadence (as is the case in accentual verse), that has been established and then upon occasion. Such as
"Hoping it was you all along"
There is also some weird line truncation, such as
"Found out, he loves a friend that I care" That really makes no sense without the "for" on the end of the line. Additionally, I think if you define a person as a friend, the idea that you care for them is a bit redundant.
I think that "That a person could never buy" would read better as "What a person could never buy".
Starting each line off with a capitol makes the reading more difficult. Better to follow the general rules of grammar unless you have a compelling reason to do otherwise.
This has a nice plaintive tone, but at times it moves into the pitiable.
Love poetry is one of the most difficult types of poetry. One can hardly avoid the cliches of the millions of other love poems. As I said I do like the idea of being willing to wait while this guy goes through other girls, as long as you are the one marrying him, but there is some hard editing needed to make good use of this idea.
Dale
I like the concept at the end, it is very fresh.
On the negative most of the rhymes seem forced, and although this is not metered, there is a certain cadence (as is the case in accentual verse), that has been established and then upon occasion. Such as
"Hoping it was you all along"
There is also some weird line truncation, such as
"Found out, he loves a friend that I care" That really makes no sense without the "for" on the end of the line. Additionally, I think if you define a person as a friend, the idea that you care for them is a bit redundant.
I think that "That a person could never buy" would read better as "What a person could never buy".
Starting each line off with a capitol makes the reading more difficult. Better to follow the general rules of grammar unless you have a compelling reason to do otherwise.
This has a nice plaintive tone, but at times it moves into the pitiable.
Love poetry is one of the most difficult types of poetry. One can hardly avoid the cliches of the millions of other love poems. As I said I do like the idea of being willing to wait while this guy goes through other girls, as long as you are the one marrying him, but there is some hard editing needed to make good use of this idea.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.