09-26-2014, 09:43 AM
UberWilhelm
Inside the mind of a puppy
I see you there ball, mocking me, calling
I take up the chase eyes locked on the prize
You fly through the air gently, now falling
How lucky you are, soaring through the skies
You bounce and roll trying to make a break
But I see you, have you locked in my sights
You flail around not sure which path to take
A few steps and my jaws will hold you tight.
You roll to a stop accepting your fate
I am close enough now to smell your fear
I pounce fast for I can no longer wait
The object of my hunt so very near
Victory! In my mouth my prey sits firm
Head high, my prize held up for all to see
The quest now over my heart starts to yearn
The thrill of the chase washes over me
I will deliver you to my master
He will pick you up and throw you again
With every breath my heart beats faster
With a bark I cry, let the hunt begin!
Hi Uber, I just joined the forum and I see they are big on giving feedback so I am going to give you feedback before I post.
I clicked on your poem first because I too have tried writing a poem from not really a dog's perspective but at least about the mind of a dog. Anyway I thought it was cute at a glance but then I read what the other readers wrote you for feedback and I thought they were pretty tough, especially for a novice writing forum. The only thing I would comment on is that yes it does seem like its from a humans mouth not a dogs head. Especially the line about delivering the ball to its master. That was the line that really got me. Just keep writing and hopefully the critiques gradually get more encouraging.
Inside the mind of a puppy
I see you there ball, mocking me, calling
I take up the chase eyes locked on the prize
You fly through the air gently, now falling
How lucky you are, soaring through the skies
You bounce and roll trying to make a break
But I see you, have you locked in my sights
You flail around not sure which path to take
A few steps and my jaws will hold you tight.
You roll to a stop accepting your fate
I am close enough now to smell your fear
I pounce fast for I can no longer wait
The object of my hunt so very near
Victory! In my mouth my prey sits firm
Head high, my prize held up for all to see
The quest now over my heart starts to yearn
The thrill of the chase washes over me
I will deliver you to my master
He will pick you up and throw you again
With every breath my heart beats faster
With a bark I cry, let the hunt begin!
Hi Uber, I just joined the forum and I see they are big on giving feedback so I am going to give you feedback before I post.
I clicked on your poem first because I too have tried writing a poem from not really a dog's perspective but at least about the mind of a dog. Anyway I thought it was cute at a glance but then I read what the other readers wrote you for feedback and I thought they were pretty tough, especially for a novice writing forum. The only thing I would comment on is that yes it does seem like its from a humans mouth not a dogs head. Especially the line about delivering the ball to its master. That was the line that really got me. Just keep writing and hopefully the critiques gradually get more encouraging.