Grandeur

[tectak]

Grandeur
Let the books fall
like whale carcassesGood. Visual.Though what books? Should I know ALREADY? Is it going to be metaphorical books as metaphorical whales?If so, I still like it....but the "fithy(comma) dusty floor" takes me away from whichever metaphor I am supposed to relate to. Too filthy. You could make more of the antiquation. We are in an old, dusty room...but filthy?
flopping onto the filthy
dusty floor.
Let narration from YouTube videos fillNarration from videos....hmmmmm. Well, yes, it does happen....quite a lot on youtube when the picture buffers out...but I can see that to explain this "visualisation" you will need to use the "as" word. Why? The "as" word is simultaneity. Is that in any way relevant? In fact, I think I have got it....or rather, NOT got it. This whole stanza avoids coherence and I think that is deliberate. White noise (contains no information), spaces (contains nothing),diffuse (disappears into nothingness),senseless ( having no discernible meaning), garbles (inconsequential mutterings). Er....is this a bit wordy?
up the spaces with white noise,
as words diffuse from a British lady
into senseless garbles.Dangerously close to a day trip to Strawberry Fields
Let shadows of thoughts drown,
bubble, and sink;
because in this place,
even gods can die.Well yes. A nice round-up...but to what? I am left savouring the aftertaste but cannot pin down the principal flavour but:
Let shadows of thoughts
drown, bubble, and sink;
because in this place,
even gods can die.
Your poem.

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I'm back!! Woohoo! It has been a while. Hello everyone! =)

....and with a good one ,too! Perhaps a little enigmatic in its overall inconclusiveness but for me you would do well to reformat the line-outs. As you are not in pursuit of rhyme or obvious reason you have taken a free hand to the piece and just thrashed it to little bits...to a degree, this works because it is breathless prose, nothing wrong with that, except that in the nits I highlight (all is opinion) your words became dissassociated from meaning at the same precise moment as you NEEDED to be clear in intent. Not so the last stanza...that is the template that the others should tentatively follow.
I hesitate to say that I understood it, but I sure as hell get the feeling that you do...that is a pleasant change. Deliberately obscure
Best,
tectak