09-21-2014, 05:57 PM
i was searching for ten minutes for mwaba don (i thought it was the title) if you had used a title it would have save me some time 
the poem uses words like beauty and beautiful and they tell the reader little, how is she beautiful? these are very powerful words but without some kind of reference they mean very little. my dog is beautiful as well. so is a dandelion. degas painted ballet dancers, a common simile (which you don't want to use, would be
'she was a degas painting'
use something connected to beauty that most people can identify with.
basically the poem need more depth and less verbiage. [Slowly I become attractively restless]
the poem uses words like beauty and beautiful and they tell the reader little, how is she beautiful? these are very powerful words but without some kind of reference they mean very little. my dog is beautiful as well. so is a dandelion. degas painted ballet dancers, a common simile (which you don't want to use, would be
'she was a degas painting'
use something connected to beauty that most people can identify with.
basically the poem need more depth and less verbiage. [Slowly I become attractively restless]
(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote: She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless, what style, is she a dancer?
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades.
Slowly I become attractively restless why
as my fear of expression wanes.
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty.
I cannot afford to darkle, what is [darkle]
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer. so she is a dancer; beauty and beautiful are two words that are better shown with a simile or metaphor
She is so beautiful and feminine another [beautiful]
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance