09-21-2014, 02:18 PM
Thanks all! Superlatively helpful!
Qdeathstar--
"The first stanza of the edit is also cliche, and I went "ugg" after reading the first two stanza's. . . . Now you have to slug through two stanzas of mediocre lines to get to that imagery."
--thank you thank you! it was surprisingly hard to make the "stupid or intriguing?" diagnosis
cjchaffin--
"like a bat sticker,
like a dolphin sticker--"
--I need something like that, but you're right. It's confusing without much to redeem it
"what i do get is the feeling that you want to lead the reader to a foregone conclusion rather than letting him get there on his own, which seems counterproductive to me and defeats the purpose of the wonderful images that you wove together in the original."
--please please let me know if this is still a problem in the next draft
__danny--
"You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance. stalks instead of leaves? nit"
Good nit. I don't like stalks because it'd make the narrator seem like a giant potentially
"It would feel still and uncomfortable, and want to add a little drop of sweat clinging to forehead? something complimenting that humid still moment in the stalks?"
--yes
"A little problem with tense. "would be..." as if hasn't happened but then "betrays" as if happening."
--good catch
".nah. it's too intense for that"
--you and cjchaffin both think so. I'm with it.
"You won't. not sure about using this twice so outstanding from other lines, also so close to the first one."
agreed
billy--
"ps, use the the title to let the reader know what it's about. 'confessions of a willy waggler' or not but you get the point i'm making. i hope."
let me know if I get this right in the next draft
justcloudy for the win!
"I read an innocence into the first one"
--this is what I've been trying to figure out, and I didn't even realize it. thanks sooo much!
Qdeathstar--
"The first stanza of the edit is also cliche, and I went "ugg" after reading the first two stanza's. . . . Now you have to slug through two stanzas of mediocre lines to get to that imagery."
--thank you thank you! it was surprisingly hard to make the "stupid or intriguing?" diagnosis
cjchaffin--
"like a bat sticker,
like a dolphin sticker--"
--I need something like that, but you're right. It's confusing without much to redeem it
"what i do get is the feeling that you want to lead the reader to a foregone conclusion rather than letting him get there on his own, which seems counterproductive to me and defeats the purpose of the wonderful images that you wove together in the original."
--please please let me know if this is still a problem in the next draft
__danny--
"You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance. stalks instead of leaves? nit"
Good nit. I don't like stalks because it'd make the narrator seem like a giant potentially
"It would feel still and uncomfortable, and want to add a little drop of sweat clinging to forehead? something complimenting that humid still moment in the stalks?"
--yes
"A little problem with tense. "would be..." as if hasn't happened but then "betrays" as if happening."
--good catch
".nah. it's too intense for that"
--you and cjchaffin both think so. I'm with it.
"You won't. not sure about using this twice so outstanding from other lines, also so close to the first one."
agreed
billy--
"ps, use the the title to let the reader know what it's about. 'confessions of a willy waggler' or not but you get the point i'm making. i hope."
let me know if I get this right in the next draft
justcloudy for the win!
"I read an innocence into the first one"
--this is what I've been trying to figure out, and I didn't even realize it. thanks sooo much!
A yak is normal.