09-19-2014, 09:04 AM
(09-13-2014, 04:39 PM)zahrakh Wrote: Her ambling around inside your thoughts' forest,
Did it make your knees wobble?
Or just a child's awe, was it?
At finding himself face to face
With one of Peter Pan's pixies.
The gleam in your eyes,
When the colours of her feathers flashed before
them,
The glow on your face,
When she used to move her plumage,
Was it an adult's suppressed desire?
Or a kid somewhere inside
Running in a hidden land of fantasy,
Chasing this Peahen
Surrounded by colourful wisps.
The whimsy element is appealing and I enjoyed the metaphor.
In the first line 'thoughts forest' can be changed as it sounds a bit cliched and robs the poem from giving it a strong opening.
I found the upper case in all the lines a bit too distracting and restricting the flow of the poem.
'When the colors of her feathers flashed before
them,' these lines stick out compared to the rest of the poem. Maybe it could be edited.

