Doldrums
#9
(08-19-2014, 01:13 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  The tempest has finally weakened,
remnants of the storm lingering
in the open-air room.

Hard flesh is kneaded to softness
as anger and doubt briefly yield
to tenderness and desire.

The proverbial calm returns too soon
and begins its cycle once more,
a stifling heat settling over bare skin.

They do not speak; they do not touch.
They simply lie in silence, waiting
for a favorable wind to blow.
Hello there. Linger would be stronger than lingering. Returns too soon followed by and is an odd construction. If it were too soon to [something] it would be more sensible. Too soon for what? Assertions are better with evidence. Even better is to just provide the evidence and let the reader form their own conclusions.

Some fine ideas, and the more well worded sections provide an almost palpable image. This section here though:

Quote:as anger and doubt briefly yield
to tenderness and desire.

The proverbial calm returns too soon
and begins its cycle once more,

Could be probably be done a bit better without the extra-common abstractions that just re-say what the images are trying to do. I think you can find ways to hold these ideas aloft within the imagery without explicating them, as you are not far from there anyway. For instance hard flesh kneaded to softness shows the yield and says all that and more than what is found in the following two lines.

Thank you for the poem.
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Messages In This Thread
Doldrums - by cjchaffin - 08-19-2014, 01:13 PM
RE: Doldrums - by Wjames - 08-19-2014, 03:05 PM
RE: Doldrums - by billy - 08-19-2014, 05:57 PM
RE: Doldrums - by SilverMire - 08-19-2014, 07:33 PM
RE: Doldrums - by UberWilhelm - 08-19-2014, 11:37 PM
RE: Doldrums - by ChristopherSea - 08-20-2014, 01:07 AM
RE: Doldrums - by cjchaffin - 08-20-2014, 02:19 AM
RE: Doldrums - by trueenigma - 09-09-2014, 01:28 PM
RE: Doldrums - by cjchaffin - 09-09-2014, 01:32 PM



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