shedding-- edit 1

[billy]

a good solid edit jc. mainly the changes work. i wasn't enamored by the last line as it feels tacked on, personally i don't think it's needed.

edit 1 thanks Danny, Helsopian, billy

Unforgiving moments of oublie
rip corners off my sense of self
and paper-like they glide away.

Chalk in hand, I remember
a student can play teacher, so feel
for my bouncing pigtails,
not recalling when I switched
hard plastic chairs for plush. this reads much better and makes it more accessible.

At night I stagger up with bladder bursting,
dissipating dreams more familiar
than my hallway hung with paintings.

I don’t recognize the mound of hair and flesh
sprawled across my queen sized bed for one. is [for one needed] i say this because there's no [for two]

The tap rushes to clean me in vain.
The mirror eyes me.
Water drips from her forehead, like mine
but she looks older, prettier, more composed
at 3am than I feel on the best days.

I rush back to linger inside dreamland
where glue can repair tears.



original
Unforgiving moments of oublie
rip corners off my sense of self.

Chalk in hand, I remember students
can play teacher, so feel for pigtails,
not recalling when I switched
hard plastic for plush.

At night I stagger up with bladder bursting,
my dissipating dream more familiar
than the hallway hung with my paintings.

I don’t register the other body sprawled on my bed.

Tap rushes to clean in vain, as the mirror eyes me.
Water drips from her forehead, like mine.
But she looks more composed at 3am
than I feel on the best of days.

I rush to reenter dreamland
where reality agrees with me.