09-05-2014, 11:35 AM
I read the original when you first posted it, and loved it. I didnt have much to critique. I enjoyed it's existentialist quality. I have to say, i feel like the edit is a huge step backwards. Its too unsure of itself to draw conclusions.
For example, i disagree that the last stanza in the original edit is meaningless. It is saying that because "you" fail to step outside your concert zone, you fake to do those things that make life special, and you'll continue to fail to do those things because you are afraid, and ashamed.
I agree that the "you wont" line could have been improved, I don't think replacing that with "will you" makes the poem better. It makes it worse.
"you are only human" stumbles into cliche in the edit, despite the fact it draws a different conclusion than what is typical.
The first stanza of the edit is also cliche, and I went "ugg" after reading the first two stanza's. The original drew me in with the interesting imagery associated with the corn field. Now you have to slug through two stanzas of mediocre lines to get to that imagery.
The original was pretty solid.
For example, i disagree that the last stanza in the original edit is meaningless. It is saying that because "you" fail to step outside your concert zone, you fake to do those things that make life special, and you'll continue to fail to do those things because you are afraid, and ashamed.
I agree that the "you wont" line could have been improved, I don't think replacing that with "will you" makes the poem better. It makes it worse.
"you are only human" stumbles into cliche in the edit, despite the fact it draws a different conclusion than what is typical.
The first stanza of the edit is also cliche, and I went "ugg" after reading the first two stanza's. The original drew me in with the interesting imagery associated with the corn field. Now you have to slug through two stanzas of mediocre lines to get to that imagery.
The original was pretty solid.