I Notice

[Todd]

Hey Danny, I think its getting better. I want to be cautious not to over comment and warp your intent with the piece, but here goes:

welcoming full crit.

thank you: Wjames, Tiger the Lion, zahrakh, ThePinsir, Todd

Revision 3
I Notice
Pen strokes roll like ocean waves
on rock-sitting evenings;
coal-gray clouds against the salmon sky.--to me, this opening reads much better with the modifiers minimized. Also the semi colon above doesn't work as the coal-gray line is not an independent clause (no verb).
A choppy surface meets a distant--I'd still look for ways to incorporate distant without mentioning it. If you can't you can't but it's worth the attempt.
hazed stroke of land.--I think this is an improvement but I don't really like the repetition of stroke. It could be that you are trying to tie the rhythm of the writing or art to the landscape--which could be valid I guess, but my initial reaction to stroke was that it came across as repetitive but not to good effect.

Carried on the salty wind,
you are a whisper through the window screen;--love the consonance here
the background to a candle-lit dinner
escaping as the last light does--this is a nice line break.
from notice.

But I notice you,--I would be tempted to emphasize notice more by dropping you down a line and breaking the line earlier.
quiet as the rolling seaside.--Maybe a substitute for rolling as it again is repetitive given line 1. The line here is solid but would probably benefit from a substitute word

Reflective,
anchored and steady--Hate this sequence. Three characteristics that are not shown only told to us. The poem would be stronger if you simply cut those two lines and let the poem end with the final two--which are good.
you listen as you write,
watched by a faint moon.

Just some thoughts

Best,

Todd