The barn's on fire

[Keith]

Keith,

Terrible, touching, beautifully done.
One point I'm not clear about is whether Jess is inside or outside of the barn at the outset. The edit didn't make that any clearer.

You know... the edit being what it is, you could change the title to something very clear "barn burning" etc, and then get rid of the whole first part, beginning with "with charcoal streaks". That's where it really begins anyway. You could incorporate the frantic barking line if you wanted, since that's the highlight of the first part.

Just ideas.

-justcloudy

Thank you JC for the helpful comments and ideas, I hope I have dealt with most in the edit. Best Keith

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the title is making me think to much. i see a child being rescued but the title contradicts it. is the farmer in the barn or outside looking on?

Edit.....TTL

Neighbours are running bringing buckets comma after [running,] no need for [are] bringing could be [bring]
as smoke and flames claim the barn. no need for [as]
Jess is too scared to leave
she paces the straw lined floor
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.

With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads, where are the streaks?
with lowered eyes the watchers decide feels a bit weak in comparison to the most of the poem.
she hasn't survived.
But the wind brings in a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.


Original
The neighbours arrive with buckets,
smoke and flames claim the barn.
Jess is too lost to run and paces the floor
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.
With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads,
with lowered eyes the watchers decide
she won’t survive, stupid dog won’t even try.
But the wind brings a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.

Thanks Billy your comments got me thinking so I used them to make some changes, many thanks Keith