"Silent Gift"

[ellajam]

Hi, bob, there's a lot to like here and some points that stick no matter how many times I read. Here are some notes.

Midnight clanged
when her spiraling silhouette anchored down.
Tethered to indomitable irons
your mother's choice to kill herself,
left your world to me.
I struggle with silhouette. I'm not sure what "midnight clanged" adds. I'd prefer the comma after irons instead of herself. "left your world to me" is strong."

We summered in Kingston that year. My conscience boomed,
and I imagined death simpler than this. All the superlative magic
of white flowers, and pumped up promises, smashed:
Now, motherless you'd grow,
as seven stars thrummed above your bassinet.
boomed sounds off to me even though it gets your point across. I'm not sure if white flowers are the wedding or funeral bouquet, which I like. Maybe something other than "motherless", which you've already said, something that describes a motherless life.

They said you'd never talk. I heard them say
"your daughter's deformed, and permanently mute."
Crib-side that evening I held you,
until the mewling hours
sifted truth through my ears.


By your fourth year, you pantomimed gestures with grimaces
and limbs awkward to me. Together we watched the apple trees
spangled with their gems. On days when you did try to speak
vowels swarmed in your throat, and stirred like sour paste.
I hurried to decipher every utterance.
All the above works for me. I like the spangled, it implies turning the everyday into jewels. Sour paste is strong, the last line a parent's heart, though I'm not sure about hurried.

I learned to listen. Silence uncoiled a revelation in me.
Today, my daughter Carolyn. I visit the apple trees
windfall sweeps the morning like a departing ghost,
and time has carved me whole -
There was new fruit after this.
Today, my daughter Carolyn. Did you mean to have a period here? It brings an awkwardness. The last line is not one of my favorites, the previous line is.

Well, as happens sometimes, I wrote more than I meant to, I hope some of it helps.

Sidenote: You've posted enough to become a full member of the Pigpen and move out of the Newly Registered Forum.

Thanks for the read.