09-02-2014, 10:46 PM
Hi, zahrakh, welcome.
I remain confused without a clue as to where each thought starts and ends. The lack of punctuation and the capitalization of words that don't seem to be the start of sentences makes it hard for me to follow.
In the first seven lines, I am unsure what the charm is and if it's the melodies or melancholy or both that break the "charm", and I'm unsure if the melodies are the swan's or the lake's. I hope this helps you to see the piece through a reader's eye and leads you to clarify it.
I remain confused without a clue as to where each thought starts and ends. The lack of punctuation and the capitalization of words that don't seem to be the start of sentences makes it hard for me to follow.
In the first seven lines, I am unsure what the charm is and if it's the melodies or melancholy or both that break the "charm", and I'm unsure if the melodies are the swan's or the lake's. I hope this helps you to see the piece through a reader's eye and leads you to clarify it.
(09-02-2014, 05:53 PM)zahrakh Wrote: O Swan of this enchanted lakeJust five thoughtful critiques in the workshops makes you a full member who can post anywhere. I hope you continue to work on this.
Let me wander inside this magical
dimension
If melancholy causes the charm to
break
With your melodies, I beg thee, heal
this pattern
By this lake tendrils twirling
Humming with an exuberant fashion
One with the amity in your songs
flowing
O Swan let me stay in this blissful
unison
On paths that tomorrow I shall take
Towards a long craved for
destination
I will brace my heart, should my
faith shake
Reliving the moments spent by this
tranquil lake
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips