shedding-- edit 1

[danny_]

Unforgiving moments of oublie | odd word
rip corners off my sense of self. | neat phrase but don't understand

Chalk in hand, I remember students
can play teacher, so feel for pigtails, | chalk and then feel for pigtails? what's going on?
not recalling when I switched
hard plastic for plush.

At night I stagger up with bladder bursting, | i like that line
my dissipating dream more familiar | good word, dissipating
than the hallway hung with my paintings. | maybe not more "familiar" but more present or more real at this moment

I don’t register the other body sprawled on my bed. | say with less words and/or break the line? if you don't register, then you don't know it's there to mention at all. maybe mention it in the morning, or as a lump in the sheets you briefly consider before passing out. it's not "other" body until your body is there

Tap rushes to clean in vain, as the mirror eyes me. | tap doesn't clean all by itself. i like "tap rushes" but the water and you do the cleaning. break the line before mentioning the mirror. i know what you're trying to say but need to clarify the action of staring at yourself while cleaning your face
Water drips from her forehead, like mine. | a little odd but works
But she looks more composed at 3am
than I feel on the best of days.

I rush to reenter dreamland
where reality agrees with me. | don't understand last line, maybe where "everything" agrees or "life" agrees, cause i don't think it's reality in dreamland

these are just my shortcomings with the poem. i think i really like the visual that's trying to be expressed. i like the direction you're going. don't know exactly what the poem is about except i get a little window into a few clear moments that i like.