09-01-2014, 01:36 AM
Hi Bob,
The tone of this look back in time is sharp but removed. The story is detailed but global. Beautiful work.
Just some thoughts---
I read "drowned children" at first as "downed children", which actually I like better. But maybe you don't. Ties in with the helicopters later though.
I didn't really understand why "maybe now" was always written 'maybe now'. It was distracting.
Also, I agree with billy about the Jehovah stanza -- in a way it's obvious (not me God, not me!), but it's also confusing (why Jehovah? Too specific of a name, which again is distracting).
I think you could do more with this line:
Round every tug and snap of bamboo
Bamboo doesn't really tug, and there's an opportunity for a double meaning with round.
I hope you work on this one a bit more, it's already powerful and has the potential for a lot more punch. Well done.
-justcloudy
The tone of this look back in time is sharp but removed. The story is detailed but global. Beautiful work.
Just some thoughts---
I read "drowned children" at first as "downed children", which actually I like better. But maybe you don't. Ties in with the helicopters later though.
I didn't really understand why "maybe now" was always written 'maybe now'. It was distracting.
Also, I agree with billy about the Jehovah stanza -- in a way it's obvious (not me God, not me!), but it's also confusing (why Jehovah? Too specific of a name, which again is distracting).
I think you could do more with this line:
Round every tug and snap of bamboo
Bamboo doesn't really tug, and there's an opportunity for a double meaning with round.
I hope you work on this one a bit more, it's already powerful and has the potential for a lot more punch. Well done.
-justcloudy
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.